Witt And Witticism
by nvzblgrrl
Summary: Prompt - You can go to any fictional world you want, but as the opposite sex. Mercy DeWitt; student, only child, general wallflower and girl becomes Mercy D. Witt; pirate, first-mate, general lunatic, boy and mistaken relation to Monkey D. Luffy? Warnings: OC, mild self-insertion (Witt is me, sorta, will be taking steps to avoid Mary-Sue diagnosis), swearing.
1. Foreign Wit

**Prompt: You can go to any fictional world, but you become the opposite sex.**

* * *

This is the first ocean cruise I've ever been on. People make such a bit thing about cruises but this one sucks royal rabbit eggs. The boat is slow, the people are kind of annoying, even Nami (who was one of exactly two reasons for getting on this crab boat in the first place). I can understand her not really caring about me. I mean, she doesn't know me from Adam wood and I'm obviously broke. There was no need to mention my third strike here, so I won't.

I seriously cannot wait until Luffy and his ill-fated barrel show up. While the food is okay, I've already sampled everything and it's all kind of meh after the third day.

* * *

At this point, a brief review of events from my point of view might clarify any questions you might have for me and kill about ten minutes of sitting and waiting. Two birds with one stone, yeah?

My name is Mercy DeWitt, following the Western convention. Now, you might be asking yourselves 'Now why does a guy like this have a girly name like that?' Well, that's prior to coming to this world, I **was** a girl, at least physically speaking. Ask my dad or my step-mom and they would have told you all about my 'femininity failure'. As evidenced by that last sentence, it wasn't a nice place. I didn't really have any friends to make it easier, but I did have books. Mostly a lot of manga from the library that teenaged boys had drawn lewd details on (I'll leave exactly what up they drew and where to your imagination.) One of my favorite series was One Piece. You can see where I'm going here, but I'll go on regardless.

Well, somebody somewhere found this magic portal. Now, my world is boring most of the time. Dead boring or dead depressing, those are the two speeds. The boring is kind of boring that you feel killing you slowly over the course of years or a really long lecture. The depressing just comes from people being scum for no reason at all. The 'magic-just-goes-there-to-die' kind of boring. So this magic portal was Big News, capital letters. They figured out pretty quick that it hooked up to different worlds and that people could go through it without dying. Nerds (myself included) were lined up for miles. There was just this little side-effect of your genes doing a little dance during the trip and gender-swapping you somewhere along your trip though the rabbit hole.

Not that many people complained about it. I mean, you get a chance to go to Paradise at the cost of a lifetime of periods and a pair of 'okay I guess' boobs, you jump on that shit like a kid in a ball pit.

Besides the magical sex change, I don't look that different. My hair is still a black-brown mess that doesn't follow any law of gravity, my eyes are the same color I was born with (again with the brown-black of the nondescript), I'm only slightly taller than I was as a girl (five foot nine instead of five foot seven, fucking amazing growth spurt there), I'm still a skinny little fuck and all of my scars are still in place.

I'm really happy about being just about the same size, because I simply cannot afford to replace all of my clothes. I was never a skirt kind of girl, so I'm mostly lounging around in dress shirts, pinstripe knee shorts and a pinstripe fedora (an actual fedora, ala Indiana Jones, not a trilby. I hate trilbies with every fiber of my soul.) Did I mention that I love pinstripes? Well, I do. Not only do they carry the personage of an old time gangster, but they also make me look taller! Win-win, right?

So yeah, that's my story up to now pretty much. I'm pretty sure that there are more than a few people who are going to try the same thing that I have, but it's kinda to be expected here. How many musicians does one crew need? I feel like the answer is all of them, but I'm an enthusiast, so I'm more than a little biased.

* * *

I get up from the deck chair that I'm been napping in for the last hour, stretching out even as a crew member runs pass me with a hook on a rope. I almost missed Luffy's arrival, but my weird streak of good luck seems to be holding out for now. Holding onto that reassuring feeling, I follow the barrel below decks before the first volley cannonballs strike. "Showtime," I say with a smirk as I slip into the pantry that I know Luffy will slip into as soon as he gets out of that barrel.

While I'm here, I decide to stuff my bag with food. Knowing what I do about the protagonist of this nautical adventure, we're gonna need it. I ignore the racket that is coming from the other room. I might not have born in this world, but two months of sleazy living in the filthiest of dives, waiting for a specific redhead to board a specific ship is a hell of a way to acclimatize to general chaos.

As soon as I see a straw hat come through the door, I toss him an apple as a gesture of good will. Luffy catches it effortlessly and promptly eats it, even as Coby gives me a shocked look. I toss him an apple too before taking a chunk out of mine. "Hey."

"Hey!" Luffy garbles through his apple-mush.

"Hi…" Coby said uncertainly before looking at Luffy. "So… are you two going to introduce yourselves or anything?"

"Monkey D. Luffy. I'm gonna be King of the Pirates." He said as he started attacking another bushel of apples.

I gave Coby a casual salute. "Mercy DeWitt. I'm gonna be Luffy's first mate as soon as he gets a boat."

Luffy blinked before going back to his eating. "Oh, okay."

I sweatdropped. 'That was easier than expected.'

"So… are you like brothers or something?" Coby ventured.

Both me and Luffy gave him a confused look. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"Well, you both have the same general face and hair… and the same D."

I have to fight down a snicker at the unintentional innuendo, but Luffy has no such compunction. But I'm pretty sure that he isn't getting the same joke that I am.

"Pretty sure that we aren't. This is the first time we've met." I say, even as I rifle through the dried meats.

"Yeah, this Witty guy isn't Ace." Luffy says helpfully, completely missing the point.

"So why are you so friendly if you just met?" Coby is trying so hard to make sense of this situation that I'm starting to feel sorry for him. The poor little pinkette is trying to apply logic to Monkey D. Luffy. It just doesn't work…

"Enemies don't give you food."… Unless the logic applied is Luffy Logic, and then it is the only thing you can go on when it comes to Luffy's thought process.

I intercede before Coby's head explodes. "But enough about us, what about you?"

"Ah… I'm the cabin boy of the Alvida Pirates, Coby."

"Ah, so you aren't that important." Luffy nods sagely even as I swat his head.

"That was mean! He's just a—How old are you?" I asked.

"Thirteen!"

"You're freaking short and kind of a wimp, but the whole point of being thirteen is growing up, learning, hitting puberty, and becoming taller." A sage, I am not claimant to be.

"You started out just as rude as Luffy-san, got inspirational and then completely lost track of what you were saying." Coby muttered as he sweatdropped. "But it's not important. I'm a nothing. I'm a wimp and I'll probably die as her cabin boy. I'm gutless."

"Then leave." Luffy said. God bless the straight forward thinkers of the world.

"You've never seen her! She's scary! My legs go weak just thinking about Alvida and her mace… I'm useless and a coward."

Luffy nodded sagely. "Damn straight. I don't like people like that."

"I don't like me much either." Coby murmured.

"Ooohkay, this is depressing. Wanna talk about something else, like how your boss is a major bitch, what you'd like to do to her (please keep it G-Rated because I don't need those kinds of images), your dreams or some sentimental shit like that?" I smile brightly, even as I stuff my bag with even more food.

"I… I would like to become a Marine… and catch criminals like Alvida! This has always been my dream!" Coby found a moment of confidence to strike a heroic pose.

"Ah, so we'll be enemies!" Luffy chirped in, his finger knuckle deep in his nose. "Since we're pirates."  
"Yeah, he's aiming to become King of the Pirates." I add, even as I pick apple skin out from between my teeth. "He's stubborn enough to pull it off too. We just need a boat and some more crew."

Coby blanched. "That… that's a death sentence! Do you know how many pirates are trying to find the One Piece? You'd be eaten alive!"

I feel a need to correct him, but Luffy catches the chance first. "I'm willing to die in pursuit of it. I'm stronger than I look and I will get stronger if it means that my nakama are safe."

I settle for lamely adding, "What he said."

Coby started crying. "Do you think I can do it?"

"I wouldn't know!" Luffy and I chorused.

"I'm gonna try! I'd rather die trying to escape than live on in fear! And I'll become a Marine and arrest people like Alvida!"

"What did you say, you little punk!" Suddenly the entire ceiling is gone. I forgot how fucking insane some of the early action was in comparison to reality. I blame it on how fucking insane the series was when it hit the New World.

Alvida manages to look worse in person than she did in the manga. I am honestly amazed by this fact. "And who are these chumps? Bounty hunters plotting to take my head? You'll pay for this one, Coby."

"Who's the fat shrew, Coby?" Have I mentioned how much I love Luffy? Because I really do in moments like these. He opens his mouth and pure gold spills out.

I decide to play along to indulge my nastiness before I'm thrown onto a boat for a week with a moron and a whiner. "Yeah, who is this old hag? I'd think I'd remember a face as ugly as that if she was important."

I never thought that it would be possible to hear someone's last nerve snapping, but it was like a gunshot in the shocked silence. I have never been so pleased with myself for being evil.

"Coby, who is the most beautiful woman in the all the world?" Alvida rumbles dangerously, like an oncoming foundation-shaking, nose-breaking fart.

Coby grit his teeth, tears in his eyes, before following my suicidal charge without hesitation. "IT AIN'T YOU, YOU FATASS, RATCHET BITCH!" I don't know if I loved Coby at all before this moment, but there isn't a question about it now that I'm experiencing this golden moment in person.

Luffy promptly lost his shit and started laughing his ass off. Alvida was still in the process of losing her shit and crushing Coby to paste. Coby's shit was lost ten minutes ago and he's crying in anticipation of death. I've already moved behind Cody to rescue his white-bread ghetto self just in case Luffy forgets to catch his enemy's weapon with his head.

* * *

I shouldn't have worried. Luffy's good at playing the hero, even though if you called him one, he'd freak out and deny it. It's beautiful how he effortlessly destroys Alvida; breaking her mace, her confidence and then the sound barrier using the legendary wide-load herself.

We steal the boat and crash it into the water. I smile and wave at Nami as we pass her and she flips me off. Perhaps that 'Happiness Punch' joke that I had leveled on her when we first met hadn't been the best ice-breaker, but it was still worth it.

A lifetime of living in the corners makes a lifetime of crazy-ass adventure all the sweeter, I find.


	2. So Ugly

"So you actually ate the Gum Gum fruit." Coby said from his position at the rudder. "That's surprising."  
"What's so surprising about it? When the weird shit pops up, Devil's fruit is the easiest, and usually the right assumption. Did you think that his mother was a rubber band or something?" Sometimes I forget that Coby's a moron too. It's easy to look like a genius when you stand next to Luffy.

"I guess that you're right…" Coby admitted. "You guys are going after the One Piece… and that means that you have to go through the Grand Line…"

Luffy grinned. "Yep!"

"People die there!" Coby yelled.

"People die everywhere. Even on the can. Especially on the can." I countered.

"**More **people die there! It's called the Pirate's Graveyard for a reason!" He wailed.

"Well, yeah. That's why a need a strong crew. And the next one is on the island you're going to." Luffy said plainly, as if it was obvious. Well, it really was obvious. A crew of two is too many too few.

Coby was sweating as he finally put the pieces together. "You mean Roronoa Zoro?"

"Yeah." Straight forward and to the point, your picture is Luffy. "If he's a good guy, I'll take him."

"He likes cute things." I added helpfully. "And he's easily bullied by strong-willed women."

"HE'S A MONSTER!… And how do you know those things, Witt-san?"

"That's… a secret." I wish I knew how to properly vocalize a heart. "Anyway, if you work with nothing but rumor, your information is often inaccurate and useless. If you want to join the Marines, you should practice taking things with a grain of salt and digging for good information."

"I forgot that you sometimes say things that aren't rude or crazy." Coby muttered. "But the Pirate Hunter is said to be a complete psychopath, bloodthirsty and violent. Even just talking about him is scary."

"Well, that's just because you're a wimp." I said with a smile.

"Yeah, I have to meet him before I make any decision about him joining or not. If he's a bad person, I won't ask him. If he's a good person…" Luffy smiled at this point.

"He was arrested because he's bad!" Coby screeched, making my ears ring and my defense drop sharply.

My urge to break Coby's soapbox into tiny pieces will never be given into. But he makes it very, very difficult. "There is a fair chance that they just arrested him on trumped up charges because he got on the bad side of someone powerful. A mad dog wouldn't have lasted as long as this guy if he was just cutting down everyone around him."

Coby swallowed. "Marines… are supposed to represent Justice."  
The soapbox is going to die. "Consider the Golden Rule, Coby."

"'Treat other's as you wish to be treated'?"

"It's 'whoever has the gold, makes the rules'. Right, Luffy?" I pass the buck to someone who knows better than I do.

In an odd moment of seriousness, Luffy nods in affirmation, his eyes far, far away. Possibly on the thought of lunch, but maybe not.

"But, yeah. Find a Justice that you can believe in. Dream it, and be it. Make your own nindo. Believe it. Dattebayo. With great power, comes great responsibility. Go web, go."

"You're just quoting something now, aren't you?" Coby asks suspiciously.

"You don't even know." I answer with a smile, because I am and I'm completely unrepentant.

* * *

"Woo, Marine Base!" Luffy yelled as we made dock. "We actually reached our destination!"

I am also pleased with this fact. "Hell yeah! Coby, you're amazing!"

The pinkette light's up like a Christmas tree, which didn't really help with his looks. "It's just the basics of navigation. It's not that special, but you'd probably die without it. You guys should try to get a navigator soon though, since I'm leaving…"

Luffy ignored Coby's mumbling, instead choosing to focus on the most important things. "Alright! Let's go eat!"

I take a moment to ruffle Coby's hair. I might not be able to survive his idealistic attitude in close quarters, but it's probably one of his best features. I hope that he gets to keep it. "Try not to get killed, okay?"

"I'm not leaving this instant!" He protested.

"Oh, yeah. Because you're buying us lunch. Thanks for reminding me."

* * *

"That was good!" Luffy declared as he finished cleaning off plate. "We'll go our separate ways here, okay? You take care of yourself, Coby. Become a great Marine, okay?"

"I will, Luffy-san!" Coby blubbered as he tried to wipe his tears away. "Even if it means that we'll be enemies the next time we meet!"

I smile at their antics as I sip at my water. "I wonder if Zoro is being held at the Marine base."

There was a loud crash as all the locals jumped back from us.

"So we shouldn't talk about Zoro in front of these people." Coby whispered.

"So should we talk about Lieutenant Morgan, then?" I'm indulging my evil urges today. The only way that would be better would be saying 'Ni' and getting this kind of reaction.

The people jumped back again even as we walked past them out into the streets.

"Who?" Luffy asks.

"Commander of this base." Coby clarified, though he had a troubled look on his face. "Though I have no idea why they would react to his name like that."

"Don't know." I lied. "Either he is a hardass that nobody dares cross or doesn't keep a good leash on the troublesome people there. Maybe both, though it'd be hard for him to swing it."

* * *

"Oh, there's the base." Coby said with the boyish excitement of a kid going to Disneyworld.

"It's ugly." Luffy observed.

"So ugly." I agreed.

"It's so ugly that even mountain bandits wouldn't even move into it if it were empty."

"It's so ugly that a blind person would be able to feel how ugly it is just by touching it."

"It's so ugly that if you set it on fire, the fire would die from over-exposure to ugly."

"It's so ugly that God himself would smite it if he didn't have the option of just putting clouds over it."

"It's so ugly, it kills your taste buds just by looking at it for too long."

"It's so ugly, it murders any rainbow that forms over it with its horrible color scheme."

"It's so ugly-"

"ARE YOU DONE YET?" Coby yelled.

"…Yes." Luffy and I mumbled.

Coby stared at us. "…Are you sure that you aren't related? One-hundred percent sure?"

Luffy was already on top of the wall, so he didn't answer. I followed, running a few steps up the wall before finding a decent grip on the shitty stonework. Coby flopped around at the base of the wall before Luffy hauled him up. "Is that the monster?" Luffy asked, pointing at the figure tied to a small crucifix.

Coby jerked back in shock, almost falling off the wall. "That bandana and the thing around his waist…"

"It's a haramaki, you uncultured swine."

He ignored me. "…That's him! The Pirate Hunter Zoro! That intimidating aura… It couldn't be anyone else!"

"Oh." Luffy took a good look at the swordsman. "Those ropes look pretty cheap to me. Do you think that he's out there for a bet or something?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. It doesn't look like they gave him any leverage to work with. Looks pretty painful, actually." I corrected as I peered closer.

"You gossipy hens..." Zoro finally ground out. "Come on over here. I've been here nine days and I'm exhausted… If you untie me, I'll repay you… Hunt down some fugitive… And give you the whole bounty…" His smile was strained and I could pick out the weariness in his eyes.

"I told you he was psychotic!" Coby said. "I told you he was a bad guy."

"Naw, he's just on the edge of his endurance." I replied. "He might sound crazy, but that's mostly the hunger, thirst and pain talking. If nobody has given him water since he started, he's should be just about dead from dehydration."

"You know too much about things like that for me to be comfortable with you anymore, you know that, right?" Coby muttered.

"I think that we should untie him." Luffy decided.

The pinkette turned to stare at the rubberman. "Are. You. Crazy. Too? Zoro would cut you down soon as look at you!"

"No, he can't." Luffy said with absolute certainty. "Because I'm strong too."

This declaration pricked up the bounty hunter's ears. "Hmm?!"

"You're all hopeless." Coby wept.

There was a clatter of wood on stone as a ladder was set against our side of the wall. A little girl, Rika or something if I remembered correctly, climbed up carrying two onigiri, shushing Coby and hopping over the wall before he had time to play the part of the concerned and offended citizen.

"Go away." Zoro told her. "Get lost."

"I brought you some food!" She chirped.

"Just eat the fucking unfood and save us on a page and a half of arguing about her being here or not!" I snapped at him.

"'Unfood'?" Luffy asked with an expression that implied that he had never thought of such a concept.

I clarified. "She mixed up the salt with the sugar. It doesn't taste good."

Luffy nodded, even as Coby's expression clouded.

"How did you know what she did wrong?"

"Psychic powers, Coby. Do not question. Did he eat it or not?"

"He ate it… And smiled about it."  
"Crazy smile or 'I'm-happy-this-onigiri-doesn't-taste-like-shit' smile?"

"Crying with what might have been a smile." Coby said uncertainly.

"That must have been a fuckton of sugar. I pity him. Especially considering how that sugar rush is going to fuck him up considering that he hasn't eaten anything else for more than a week. Also the fact that he's going to have a sugar rush while tied down. Just having a sugar rush period is kind of awful."

Rika was starting to run back to the wall when the gate creaked open. I winced at the sight of the douchebag-whose-name-I-forgot-but-ended-with-O's clothes. "Is he actively trying to be an eyesore, or is it just blindness on his tailor's part?" I muttered.

"Hey, look a weirdo." Luffy chirped.

"He must be someone important. At least the girl…" Coby sighed in relief.

I lifted a finger in objection. "If you were about to say 'is safe', let me remind you that Zoro willingly ate hell-onigiri for her."

"After telling her to go away."

"From a restricted area. Like a reasonable person."

I was both looking forward and despairing of never having these stupid debates again. It could be annoying, but there was such a ripe source of comedy hidden therein.

Luffy was the only one paying attention to what was happening in the yard at this point and so was the one to rescue Rika as she was thrown over the fence.

* * *

"Are you alright? Those bastards!" Coby murmured as he checked the little girl over for damage.

I was leaning against the wall with Luffy, listening in on the whatshisname-o's taunting of Zoro. I knew it was lies, of course, but I wanted to commit it to memory to possibly twist around on Zoro in the future. Possibly as either a training challenge or a prank. The first one was more likely if I wanted to live.

_'If you can live like this for a month, I will keep my word and release you.'_

The little sack of shit deserved everything that happened to him after this. It was basic survival knowledge that humans could only survive two weeks without food and only one without water. Add in the hot sun and the awkward position that they were keeping Zoro in and it was amazing that he had lasted this long. And then there was the fact that he was bleeding from the head and the mouth…

I clicked my tongue in disapproval, attracting Luffy's attention. He gave me a questioning look.

"Wanna break him out, Boss?" I asked, watching him through the corner of my eye.

Luffy closed his eyes for a moment before opening them in a determined expression that I knew well enough to know that the answer was 'Yes'.


	3. Chatterbox Bulletcatcher

**Sorry about this chapter being almost nothing but Witt yammering at Zoro while Luffy is offscreen doing things.**

* * *

"So, you see that big brother didn't do anything wrong to begin with! It was all that awful Helmeppo!" Rika explained.

My mind was on other matters. "Who the hell names their kid 'Helmeppo'? I mean seriously, who looks at that name and says to themselves, 'Yeah, I'll saddle my kid with that for their life.' I mean, wow, great parenting. Way to show that you give a fuck."

"So maybe Zoro isn't so bad a guy after all." Coby mumbled.

I looked at him sideways. "You know, one day you are going to suddenly become friends with someone who tried to kill you not a year before. And this whole warming up to the idea of someone who you don't know or trust thing is going to seem so slow and awkward in retrospect."

Coby at least had the decency to blush in embarrassment.

"Hey, who dares raise their head? I'll have my father execute you just like that Roronoa Zoro three days from now."

Oh great. It's Captain Morgan's douchebag kid. How old even is this asshole, this freshman of everything? I'm not really sure that I care.

I'm actually sorely tempted to snap his neck right now. This asshole has pushed all of my buttons today and, since I'm still a little miffed about us having to give up our cute little navigator, he had really only need push one to get me to this point of homicidal rage. Thankfully for our approval rating in this town and my continued good health, I'm not fast enough to even stand up in the time it took to think that, let alone fast enough to have done the dead at that speed.

"Three days? I thought you gave him thirty." Luffy asked.

Helmeppo made a face that I hoped would stick for the rest of his life. "I was only joking! Only an idiot would believe something like that!"

"So only an idiot would take scum like you at your word?" I mutter dangerously. I know that this kid gets some character development along the way, but somebody needs to punch the shit out of him right now and I wouldn't mind volunteering. Oh, who even cares, I'm taking my swing now.

Me and Luffy both manage to swing at the same moment, getting both sides of Helmchumpo's ugly face in a perfectly synchronized blow. I imagine that we're both wearing the same murderous expression too. The scumbag is on the ground, saying something that I suppose would piss me off if I could actually hear it, but all I'm hearing right now is a rush of blood in my ears and some far-off drumbeat that I suppose is my heart.

"Witt."

Luffy's voice cuts through the noise and I realize how quiet the street has become.

"We're gonna go get Zoro now. Whether he joins or not."

I smile for the first time in what seems like hours, but this is one that I wouldn't call 'happy' unless I'm happy to cause some suffering. "Hai, captain!"

I don't even notice that Helmshleppo is giving us death threats. Like he has any clout in this town besides what he borrowed from his father.

Coby, like most of the time, is losing his shit. "We are so fucked! If the lieutenant sends all the Marines down here, we're gonna die! We're gonna be executed!"

I point out the only flaw in his logic. "We are. You're good. Your only sin is association, and we'll deal with that before we leave."

"We'll deal with it when it happens. But first, gotta save Zoro." I'm getting to understand why Luffy's always the captain. Sure, he's not a genius and yeah, he's a total goof, but he has the vision and the will, and between the two of those, we have the way. And God forbid that you get in his way when there is something or, more often it seems, someone he wants to protect.

* * *

"You guys again? Where's the pinkette?"

"Since shit's about to go down, we advised that he stay back, but he'll probably show up in time to be a hostage." I admit, even as I'm tugging on Zoro's bindings, trying to puzzle them out before the Marines arrive. I'm shit at tying knots, but I'm** great** at picking them apart. The only question here is how much time I'll have to get him loose.

"Get me my swords and you woudn't have to worry about fucking around with this mess." Zoro growls. I'm a little happy that he's ready and able to struggle, cause that means that while he's down for the moment, he certainly isn't out.

"Captain's gonna have to deal with it. Douchebag Jr. has them in his room, right?" I remember seeing his pansy ass room, with the cutesy door sign declaring something silly, like his sexuality or something.

"Probably." He's flexing harder now, which helps me out by finding some slack. I wish I had brought a good penknife or something useful. I'll look into it in the future, I think.

"Captain! Look out for a pink room with flowers, kitten farts, and pastel shit on one of the upper floors! There are three swords; two burners and one quality blade. Grab 'em all!" I yell to Luffy, who's gearing up to Rocket himself up to the roof.

Zoro is watching me from under his bandana. "'Captain'? …You guys are pirates. The kind of people I hunt. Why are you helping me?"

"Well, personally, I was raised to take honor and the worth of one's word as being the be-all and end-all, so the way that that punk was bragging about backstabbing you on this bet pisses me off to no end. Also, you are like the epitome of what I was taught was the best in the world; honor, swords, pride and raw stubbornness, so you being executed for me is like someone bludgeoning a unicorn to death in front of small children." I shrug as I manage to undo one of the six knots from hell. "Professionally, the Captain would like to offer a position within the crew. Up to you of course, but since we're all leaving here either criminals or corpses, I would think that it would better to be on the run as part of a group rather than as a solo act. We don't have much interest in the rape, pillaging and burning lifestyle, so it'll be mostly pirate-on-pirate crime with a few run-ins with Marines for existing. Morally speaking, I think that we're a more comfortable choice than some of the Marine outposts. Also, you can get drunk whenever you want. Big plus there." I'm trying to be as honest as possible while still selling it. What I'm actually doing is blathering on about how weird we are and by 'we', I mean 'mostly me'.

Zoro's giving me a look. "Are you shitting me? If you're trying to trick me, let me tell you one thing; I have never done anything that I have regretted later, and I'm gonna keep it that way. I'm gonna last the month here."

That was when Luffy finally did the thing, simultaneously pissing off the base commandant and distracting all the available Marines, which worked just fine for me, since I'm not bulletproof like Captain Distraction.

"See! Now this is why you're cool and we'd work out just fine. Everyone we have so far has a pretty good moral compass. Of course, it's a grand total of two, but that's why we're scoping out good talent before hitting the Grand Line. If you were some kind of degenerate serial killer, the captain wouldn't have even considered you. But he has, and he seriously will not take no for an answer."

"He's going to kidnap me?" Zoro was rightfully incredulous. Someone kidnap him? Even I couldn't really think of someone that amazingly stupid.

The sound of a large mass of stone shattering didn't even bother me at this point, though Zoro had the decency to look panicked. I wonder absently how long it will take for shit like this to become commonplace for him.

"Naw. He'll just bother you for a while, then save your life or some shit and then you're indebted to him. By the time the debt is swept away, it's gotten to the point that you can't survive without him." I smiled as another knot came loose. Making good progress here, hopefully both arms will be free by the time the welcoming committee comes a knocking. "You think you could give me a hand here with your waist? This arm will be free in a minute or so."

"Witt-san!" I hear the pinkette screaming from the wall. Damn it. He's too much of a goody-two shoes for his own wellbeing.

"Coby! Fuck off before someone shoots you for talking to me! I don't wanna be responsible for destroying your dream before you even get started on it!"

"The Marines are gonna shoot you!" He screams, and I realize exactly what I should have been paying attention to instead of chatting up Zoro.

My world is moving in slow motion, even as the last knot on Zoro's arm comes free, I'm knocked off my feet and there is a gout of blood coming out of my shoulder. There really is only one understatement that I can use right now.

"Balls."

I'm quickly moving through some varied emotions. I've already blitzed past confusion, fear, and self-pity. The one that I'm roaring into now is just raw anger. I am going to pull the slug out of my shoulder, make that fucking Morgan eat it and then shove the rifle it came from up his ass. After I untie this swordsman. I still have orders to follow through on.

On my feet again, fumbling with the last two knots and trying not to react to the hole in my shoulder, I could swear that Zoro is watching me with a look akin to respect. I think it's just my imagination coupled with blood loss. "Look. These guys are going to kill you, in three days. Public execution. Ask anyone in town and they will confirm this as fact. My job is to get you untied and out of here alive. The captain is getting your Wado and those two other swords that will probably be broken within the year. I give you my word that I have not spoken a lie at any point in our conversation. And, unlike the backstabber, I would sooner throw myself upon a ragged blade than break my word."

"Stop right there!" Great, the welcoming committee has finally arrived to save the day. What timing. "Stop this at once! By order of the Lieutenant, you two are both to be executed at once!"

"Well, fuck me."


	4. So We Got A Swordsman

I think that a quick recap is in order, at least for me to fully process what it going on.

One, I've joined a pirate crew of two (this is including me in our headcount).

Two, we are currently infiltrating a Marine base to rescue a guy who the captain wants on our team. I also want him on our crew because he is a pretty cool dude.

Three, there is a big-ass hole in my shoulder where some bitch put a bullet in me. I'm leaking vital fluid and I need that vital fluid to be inside of me, **not** dying my clothes what is admittedly a very nice red.

Four, there are at least ten guns aimed at me right this second with an ax crazy asshole with an ax for a hand about ready to tell them to fire on my damn ass.

Five, the guy we came to save is still tied up. But thankfully not as tied up as he was when we got here.

And six, I have no idea where my captain is. Considering that he is the bullet proof guy in our group, I wouldn't have minded having him down here as of five minutes ago so I could have avoided three and four through six wouldn't be a problem.

"How interesting… that the three of you are so intent on causing political upheaval on this island." Morgan growled. "None of you will escape this base alive, of course. The entire base is guarded, so that stupid Straw Hat won't get away either."

"You are both overestimating the ability of mooks and underestimating people who wear straw hats." I say flippantly, even as I try to staunch the flow of blood from my shoulder. I don't feel particularly flippant, but I'm aiming to waste his time and/or piss him off. Anything to get Luffy down here with those fucking swords.

I'm also careful to stand in a position where these jokers can't see what Zoro is doing with his hands. I'm trusting him to get himself free pretty quickly, because I've already done most of the work getting him loose.

"I've heard of you, Roronoa Zoro." Morgan says, completely ignoring me. "You've had quite the past, but against power like mine, you are nothing but dust in the wind. Lesser than trash." He hefted his ax hand over his shoulder. "Rifles at the ready!"

Though I can't speak much of their aim, Morgan's mooks can at least follow his orders to the letter. I momentarily wonder exactly how much of that is fear and how much of it is their old discipline from whomever preceded this psycho.

I know that Luffy will be down here just in time to save the day. That's what he does best. The only way that he could be better at it would be to shriek 'Dynamic Entry!' as he flies through the air.

And there he is, right as Morgan calls out the order to fire, three swords tied to his back and arms spread wide as he soaks up the bullets. I can hear Coby's horrified scream and Zoro's harsh gasp. Even the Marine mooks have the decency to look shocked.

Then Luffy does the thing. As the bullets fly away, he screams his denial of their efforts. "YOUR BULLETS ARE USELESS AGAINST ME!" My mouth quirks in a smirk at my captain's hijinks, even as everyone else loses their collective shit. Even Coby, for whom this shit has been well established and explained, is gob smacked over in his hiding place.

We're both laughing, me from blood loss and Luffy from everyone's reaction.

"What kind of human are you?" Zoro demands. Somehow this is also hilarious to me. This blood loss is starting to become a problem. How does Zoro do this without every other story arc without going insane?

"Me? I'm the man who's gonna become King of the Pirates." Luffy said with a grin. He pulled the swords off of his back. "Now which one of these-"

"All of them. I use a three swords style."

"I'm pretty sure that there's a dirty joke in there concerning the 'third sword'." Blood loss is making me into a bad comedian. More so than usual anyway. But at least this fight is just about over now that Luffy's back.

But that leaves me to wonder if it's Coby or me who gets to play the part of hostage this time. Or if events are going to go according to story.

I'm struck by the feeling that I've somehow killed someone important just by existing.

Zoro is talking to Luffy again. "Are you the son of the devil? …Forget it. Instead of dying here, I'll live on as a pirate... as a member of your crew!"

"Woo, we got a swordsman!" Luffy yelled.

I'm also excited about this fact, but we are seriously in the middle of a battle and I'm standing a fair chance of dying. "Yeah! Now why don't you finish untying him and the both of you can kick everyone's ass before I pass out and die?"

Thankfully, the Marines were still stuck on the fact that someone like Luffy exists and hadn't bothered to send a volley of bullets at the non-bullet proof people in our party. "How did he repel all those bullets? He should have been Swiss cheese!"

The absence of a Switzerland on the Grand Line apparently doesn't prevent the presence of Swiss cheese. I'll decide whether or not I care later, when my life isn't on the line.

"Must be one of those Devil Fruit powers." Morgan grumbled, obviously annoyed that we aren't dead yet. I wonder how long it will take before he blames his men for not knowing this in advance.

"A Devil's Fruit?!" I wonder how long it will take for people to shut up about it or at least stop screaming about it in a way that implies 'This cannot be!'. It's starting to grate on me just as much as the 'Kagome! Inuyasha! Kagome!' routine.

"If guns don't hurt him, swords will work instead!" Some brilliant tactician declares, prompting his comrades to rush us with blades drawn. I hope he has to fight a Logia someday and gets his video game mindset completely stomped on.

"Witt." Luffy says from where he's working on Zoro.

"What?" Don't tell me that one knot is too much for him.

"I can't get this." It was.

"And Zoro couldn't either?" I forgot that Zoro is kind of an idiot too, behind that cool face.

Zoro didn't bother to answer, so I settled for sighing and pulling the knot apart with a single tug. "I can't believe you guys. You can fight all sorts of crazy odds and beat the shit out of anyone who looks at you sideways, but God forbid that you have to undo a knot."

"I'd just cut it if I could move." A Gordian solution is actually quite fitting for him. It's just annoying as hell in situations like this.

"Yeah, I normally just break the ropes." Luffy said as he passed Zoro his swords. These two monsters could not be more perfectly matched. I give them a week and one battle before they can't live without each other.

"And this here is why I'm on this crew. I'm the knot-man." I mutter as Zoro effortlessly catches nine swords with his three without even looking at his opponents. I wonder how it feels to be completely outclassed, but I'll probably know the feeling quite well by the time the Sabaody arc comes around.

"That's so fucking cool." Luffy breathes. I honestly have to agree and I can't wait to actually see him pull off one of his named attacks. Not to mention anyone else in the crew. It's going to be so hard not to fanboy all over my crewmates.

"You better stay still." Zoro growled around his katana. "Because if you move, I'll cut you to pieces."

The sight of Marines crying in fear is a sight that I will remember for at least a month. They certainly weren't going to be weeping at the sight of their boss, coming or going.

"I already have told you that I'll join your crew… because either way, after this incident with the Marines, I'll be a wanted man." Zoro was saying again, as casually as if there weren't swords at his back. "But that's okay, because I have my own goals. I will become the world's greatest swordsman, my name will be known throughout the world, regardless of reputation, and I will cut your guts out if you get in the way of that dream!"

Luffy's grin widened. "I wouldn't take anyone who couldn't manage something as little as that, because a crew that sails with the Pirate King can't afford to be any less than that." Compared to these two, my dream of being someone special seems weak and hollow. Selfish even, taking into consideration the stories behind them. But I have every hope that it will grow into something decent and good.

If I live long enough, that is. I'm certainly not capable of standing anymore and I'm sprawled on the ground. My estimation of Zoro's spirit has gone up by leaps and bounds, because I've only done this bleeding out thing once and I'm on the floor.

Luffy tells Zoro to duck, and he sweeps the area with a Whip, cleaning up the trash easily.

"You're a pretty useful guy to have around, Captain." I say with a smile, even as I try to stopper up my wound again. He laughs.

"What are you?" Zoro growls, as if he couldn't hear Morgan's explanation earlier, though, if I remember correctly, it didn't cover the whole 'I'm a rubber man' front.

"Me?" Luffy asks as he flexes his leg. "I'm a rubber man." At this, nobody makes the obligatory joke, though I suppose the ass-kicking has probably defused any humor in these Marines. Of course, they might be slightly preoccupied with the command of 'kill yourself' that Morgan just issued.

Zoro moves to disarm them, but Luffy is already flying across the field, baiting Morgan to face him like a man. Morgan is trying to dismiss him, lying about his own place in the food chain, but my captain don't have time for that. Morgan is swinging and missing like a rank amateur, but his raw strength isn't anything to sneeze at for someone like me. For Luffy, this is his ideal opponent; strong, stupid and predictable. He has already sent the Lieutenant flying from a single kick to the face and he's winding up for another devastating blow.

I can see Coby, finally sprinting across the yard towards me, with a first aid kit, of all the thought-out gestures, though he has frozen up for the moment at the sight of Luffy's monstrous strength. I don't quite get it, what with how Luffy disposed of Alvida right while Coby was watching, but the effect is a little lost on me, who has seen Luffy destroy giants with a single shot. Which he hasn't done yet, but it's really only a matter of time.

Then somebody grabs me around the collar and I get hit by a wall of tacky cologne. The douchebag has decided that I'm the best hostage, even though he has no idea what I'm capable of. It ain't much at the moment, but I've punched him hard enough in the face where he should know better.

"Wait!" My kidnapper shouts to no avail. Luffy doesn't give a fuck. Luffy is busy punching the shit out of the local king douche.

"Did you take a bath in that cheap cologne, you uncultured prick?" I growl. It smells like AXE but the pun is painful and I hope to God that it doesn't exist in this world.

"Shut up! Hostages aren't supposed to talk back!" Helmeppo stammers as he jams a gun against my head. The stupid fuck doesn't even have the safety off. "You idiot! I said to wait!"

"Do you think that he cares? I mean, I'm half dead here, but if you are the one that puts the finisher on me, he** will** kill you." I know that the last one is an absolute fact. Sure, dying wouldn't be my favorite thing to do today, but I'm pretty damn sure that I'll be avenged. I'd probably be avenged all the way into the upper stratosphere. "Hey, Luffy! If I die here, the food is in my backpack! Try not to eat it all at once unless there's a battle coming up or something!"

"Okay!" Yeah, he's still smiling, so even Luffy knows that this punk doesn't have the balls. "Hey, stupid guy! Witt isn't afraid of death, so doesn't that make him a really bad hostage?"

"Luffy! Behind you!" Coby screams as Morgan prepares to take his final swing.

I'm not worried, because Zoro is there and his steel is better than Morgan's.

Helmeppo is Pistoled out of the way, even as Morgan tries to remove Luffy's head, medieval-style. He never connects, because Zoro has already cut him down. He lives, I know, but there is a certain satisfaction to watching him bleed.

"If you guys still want to arrest us, come on and get us." Zoro says with a smirk, knowing full well that they won't. Our little group, now a trio, is just too goddamn scary for these Mooks to bum-rush just yet.

Or maybe not. The Marines are acting like the graduating class, throwing their hats in the air and screaming about freedom. So the local king douche was even doucheir than initially anticipated. No skin off my nose. Even Luffy thinks that this kind of behavior is weird. I have enough energy to smirk and see Zoro pass out before I do the same.

* * *

Coby has finally finished redressing my arm. I'm still amazed that he was able to fish that bullet out like he did, but maybe the Marine doctor that they sent over did that bit when I wasn't watching. Actually, it was probably all of that doctor's work. I wouldn't trust Coby's hands not to shake during surgery.

It's been a couple of days, but my arm is actually healed up for the most part. I figure that it's something in the air that just doesn't exist in my homeland. Zoro is still recovering from his near starvation, but he's happy enough considering, so it isn't just me. Coby keeps hanging around, despite my protests that the Marines are gonna take it the wrong way and assign him guilt through association. He's a good kid, but he really can drive me up the wall sometimes.

We've been pretty much living with Rika and her mother, eating all of their food and annoying people with our loud talking.

"What I'm saying is that you just can't waltz into the Grand Line with three guys and a rowboat! You need a navigator! A map! A ship that won't be capsized by an ocean fart!" Coby was trying to impose common sense on Luffy again, which was working just as well as it usually does.

"Well, it's the right direction, at least." Zoro said, making me choke on a chuckle. What would Zoro know about going in the right direction? Has that running gag even started yet? "The One Piece is there, strong people are there, the strongest swordsman in the world is there."

"And why would you want to face that kind of stuff right now? You might be the strongest in East Blue, but the Grand Line is a whole other level of strength!" Coby actually made a good point there, but I wouldn't trust Zoro or Luffy to listen too carefully.

"It's not like you're coming with us… There's no need to be such a worry-wart…" I said, waving Coby off.

"And you! You just were injured! Badly! How come you wanna throw yourself into danger so quick after that? You guys are my friends and I'm supposed to worry about you, even if we are on opposite sides!"

"'Cause I've got to get stronger and I can't get stronger by sitting around, doing nothing, right?" I say this for both our benefits, because I have the same kind of doubts as Coby. Am I going to be strong enough to help protect this crew, or am I going to be a millstone around their necks? I refuse to be a burden for any of my friends. I am amped up and ready to kick some ass.

"R-right." Coby looks uncertain.

"Hey, you can do the same, right? You have to be strong to protect the people who can't protect themselves, yeah?"

Something that looks an awful lot like conviction ignites in Coby's eyes. "RIGHT!" Wow, I've managed to amp him up too, with but two simple questions. If I could bottle this ability and sell it, I could pay off Nami's debt in a week.

"And it's not like we're gonna magically** stop** being friends, right?" Luffy added, his smile just as bright as the sun.

"Ah… I'd never had any friends before you guys… Nobody ever stuck up for me or defended me until you guys saved me… So try not to die, alright?" Coby gave us a huge thumbs up, smiling to hide the tears that were welling up in his eyes.

"Worry about yourself." Zoro said as he tapped Coby on the head. "You were a cabin boy for Alvida for a few years, right? I wouldn't be surprised if the Marines knew about that. They can really scrounge up the information when they want to and a past like that can make it so they never take you."

"Excuse me."

We all turned to face the speaker. A Marine Captain was standing just inside the door, which meant that our welcome was well worn out.

"You guys… are you really pirates?" He asked carefully, as if we were bombs that would go off at any moment. Though, considering Luffy's abilities and Zoro's reputation, it probably wasn't a bad idea.

"Let me guess; you're thankful for what we've done, but as we are criminals and you are responsible for bringing people in our profession in, you can't really afford to have us hanging around for longer than necessary and would like us to leave as soon as possible, preferably today, as the longer you put off this report, the worse it will look for you." I say, knowing perfectly well that I'm right.

The Marine Captain is now looking at me with a look of trepidation, but he nods. "Exactly."

The townspeople are ruffled by this announcement. Sure, we eat a lot and are noisy, but we got rid of Morgan and his annoying brat, and that act alone has gotten us a very high approval rating.

"Yeah, we can do that." Luffy says, even as he rises from his chair. "Thanks for the food, ma'am." He nods to Rika's mom.

We walk past Coby as if he doesn't exist.

"Hey, aren't you with those pirates?" The captain asks him.

"N..No. I'm not." 'Good luck, Coby.', I think as we start to make our way down to our boat. He's a good kid, certainly not pirate material, but maybe he'll be the best of the Marines someday.

"Hold on a minute." The Marine Captain says. "Is this kid telling the truth?"

Luffy frowns in thought. "Well, he used to be a cabin boy for some people we beat up…"

Coby stiffened.

"Yeah, this fatass broad who name was Almeda or something like that… Had you whipped real good, didn't she?" Luffy said, his mouth turning up into a cruel smirk.

"Shut up." Coby murmured. "Not another word."

"She kept you polishing her shoes for… what? Two years? Two years of scuttling around on a pirate ship, trying to keep them from killing you? Was that it?"

"SHUT UP!" Coby finally screamed, taking that fateful swing at Luffy. It was a damn good one, too, if I know anything about fighting.

Luffy returns it too. I wouldn't be surprised if Coby's nose is now broken, but this is important. If it isn't made clear that he has no love for us, he can never achieve his dream. I grab his fist before he can land another one.

"Don't waste your time on this weakling, Captain. We've already outstayed out welcome here anyway."

Zoro grabs Luffy's other arm. "Yeah, we're leaving."

The Marine Captain doesn't look unhappy to see us go. "I knew he wasn't your friend, but there was no need for that kind of behavior."

"Pirate." I counter.

* * *

"Nice act. You almost got us caught when you stopped the captain from punching the kid though, Knot-guy. I didn't think that bleeding hearts made good pirates."

I stick my tongue out at Zoro. "It's a one-time only deal, Mr. I-Can't-Untie-This-So-I'll-Just-Cut-It. The kid did us a service and I repaid the debt by letting him get off easy. Also, the name is Mercy D. Witt, remember it!"

Luffy grinned. "Hey, I believe that Coby will get stronger and more independent in the future. But we should blow this burg before we actually get in trouble!"

"Not leaving anything behind but a trail of destruction, that's what being a pirate is all about!" Zoro said with a grin.

"'Take what you can, and give nothing back!' One of the great pirate platitudes!" I'm practically singing. I'm not dead, I'm not bleeding, and I can finally make all the dirty jokes I want without teaching small children about filthy humor.

"L-LUFFY-SAN! WITT-SAN!"

Coby was standing behind us, panting and red in the face.

"I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU! I WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ME! BELIEVE IT!"

I have never been so happy to corrupt a minor in my life, even if it is simply getting him to quote the Naruto dub.

"Never seen a Marine salute a pirate before." Zoro muttered.

"Always a first, I suppose." I say. "Though I honestly wonder about those Shichibukai…"

"Catch up with us someday, alright, Coby?!" Luffy yelled.

"GROUP SALUTE!" The Marine Captain sang out, the entire company seamlessly whipping out the salute. I return the gesture with my careless mockery of the American salute.

"BYE~!" I'm still working on vocalizing that heart, but the double-barrels that I'm now giving the Marines are a skill long since perfected.

"SET SAIL!" Luffy crows triumphantly from the back of the boat.


	5. Neverending Rhapsody

"Ugh. I'm hungry." Luffy moaned.

"Obligatory dad joke."

Zoro gives me a look. "What does that even mean?"

"Well, there are these really annoying jokes that everyone's dad seems to use at the worst times at least once. They're short, they suck and I don't want to actually use one." I've despised dad jokes ever since my dad made one after forgetting to feed me for a whole day. Nothing pleased him more than a dad joke seasoned with the tears of a hungry six year old.

"I'm unimpressed."

"Hi, unimpressed. I'm dad." I say completely deadpan. "See, I told you they sucked."

Zoro snorted. "I thought that was just you. And what happened to that level of admiration that you had for me back at the base?"

"Now that right there was a burn. I must now apply cool water to the afflicted area." I flipped him off before sticking my middle finger in the ocean. "And the respect left when you got lost trying to find the bathroom in a house that you had been shown around a half-hour before!"

"I'm still hungry. Get some food for your captain." Luffy whined as he looked out into the vast expanse of nothing to eat.

"So both of you are shit at navigation. That's funny for pirates." Zoro said, changing the subject.

I gave him a sour look. Hadn't I just finished reminding him of how he lost a bathroom? "Pot, meet kettle…" I do a quick head count, "…. Kettles." I amend. I might not have ever lost a bathroom, but it can take me years to properly learn an address.

"Seriously, do either of you have any food that I can eat, I'm starving here." Luffy complains again, only stopping once I threw him an apple. "Why do we have nothing but apples, Witt? Where's the meat?"

"You ate all the meat the first day we were out here." I remind him.

"I think it's because apples are your favorite."

"No, it's because we don't want to get scurvy!"

"…What's 'scurvy'?"

I cannot wait until Nami joins. Even if she **is** a backstabbing, moneygrubbing, manipulative bitch until her story arc is resolved, I need someone **sane** on this shrimp boat.

"So we need to get a navigator as soon as possible." Zoro finally said.

"So a navigator, a cook, a musician…" Luffy was ticking off his fingers at each position.

"Forget the last one!" Zoro shouted.

"Naw, Zoro, musicians are_ super_ important." I cut in. "But I can sing if you like, until we get a proper one."

"Hell no."

"Ooh! Yes, yes, do it!"

"Sorry, Zoro. Captain's orders~." I say in a completely unapologetic tone. "Have either of you heard of 'Bohemian Rhapsody?'"

* * *

"I see a little silhouetto of a man." I sing.

Luffy joins in, like he has been doing ever since he learned all the lyrics. "Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?"

"Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me~." We chorus. Zoro has long since pulled off his haramaki and covered his ears with it in an attempt to drown us out.

Something flailing around in the water catches my eye and I stop singing, even as Luffy carries on through the 'Galileos'. "Oh, hey. Look some guys in the ocean. Wanna pick them up boss?" I point at the three guys in grease paint who are totally going to try to take us over when we save their ungrateful asses.

Luffy frowns, either at the abrupt ending of the rhapsody or the chance that these guys might eat what's left of our food. "Might as well. They'll be able to point us to the next island right?"

"That's what I was thinking." I said as I fished one out of the ocean. "Can you hapless fucks kindly direct us to the next inhabited island, please?"

"What! We might be grateful, but we are pirates and this is our territory! You're going to do what we say!" One of them was stupid enough to pull out a four inch knife, which did nothing but draw Zoro's attention.

* * *

"We are so sorry."

"So very sorry."

"We didn't know that you were the 'Pirate Hunter' Zoro."

I give them an exasperated look. "Who else in East Blue has green hair, three katana, and a demonic aura?" I went back to sharpening my new knife. "Where's the sheath for this thing?"

The clown who I robbed of his only weapon freaked out, pawing at himself until he found it, handing it over to me reverently. Apparently having scary friends like Zoro comes in handy when shopping.

"So how did you guys even get out there to begin with?" Luffy asked, even as he munched on another apple.

The Joker gang got fired up just at the thought of whatever happened as soon as Luffy mentioned it. Of course, being dumped out of your skiff by a cocky ginger isn't exactly a great way to start the day, especially if you had just managed to make quite the haul.

"Thanks for asking! I'm getting mad just thinking about it!"

"Ohhh that witch! She was a bad girl!"

"Really cute, but rotten to the core!"

I threw my hands up. "Was she a hooker who stole your money or something or an actual witch who tricked you into making gay porn, because I could seriously go anywhere with a bad girl who is rotten to the core and that sounds like I'm the one who goes on adventures with prostitutes! Please get on with the story before I reach another tangent opportunity!"

The sort-of leader of the group winced at the memory. "She stole our money… But we had just stolen it ourselves, fair and square from a passenger ship! Then that witch tricked us into checking out her boat and ditched us in a freak squall that she predicted down to the minute! It's embarrassing!"

"A person who can predict the weather… Is that someone we want on our crew, Captain?" Zoro asked.

Luffy giggled. "Yeah, that sounds like a navigator that we can use!"

The leader of the group seethed. "We're gonna kill her first!"

"Yeah! After we get the loot back!"

"Buggy-sama would kill us if we came back empty handed!"

Zoro's ears perked up at that. "Buggy?"

"Buggy the Clown." I answered, before the Gold Fish Poop gang got a chance to speak. "Local pirate, runs a pretty big outfit with a circus theme. Hair trigger temper and a knack for explosives, which is one hell of a combo. Devil's Fruit power; Chop-Chop fruit. Can't cut him, because he falls away from the blade, even when he doesn't see it coming. He also likes knives and hidden weapons, so watch out for hidden daggers in his shoes and crazy shit like that." I hate being Mr. Exposition, but since there's no Robin in the crew yet, it's kind of up to me to provide all of the info dumps. "If you have to fight him, kick the shit out of him… literally."

"Got it!" Luffy said brightly. "Beat the shit out of Big Nose!" He didn't notice the Buggy pirates flinching at the insult.

"Close enough."

* * *

In the middle of the Buggy Pirates's Camp, their leader sneezed.

"Someone must be talking about me in fear on the other side of the island!" Buggy said smugly as he wiped his nose.

* * *

"This town is really… quiet, isn't it?" Luffy said as we made dock.

"Well, if there was some trigger-happy douchebag with a fucking bazooka hanging around, you'd try to keep a low profile, wouldn't you?" I say, even though I know that I'm really aiming this rhetoric at the wrong guy here.

"Well, I personally can agree with that!" A girl's voice cut in from a nearby roof.

We all turned to look at the speaker, a ginger girl who was sitting pretty on a ledge two stories up.

"Hey, I remember you!" I start with a smile. Her confused frown only makes me smile more. "Little Miss Happiness Punch 3~! Oh, I finally got that heart right. Yes!"

Nami's face twisted into a pained grimace. "Oh, it's you. The pervert."

I peevishly add, "Super pervert."

Zoro pointed at her. "You know this witch?" I nodded happily over her protests of being called a witch.

"Oh, yeah. Top rate pickpocket who thinks that she's morally safe by making most of her money off pirates. Bad taste in criminal affiliates though. I think she's still trying to pay off that loan shark." I shrug, grinning as widely as Luffy. "Personally speaking though, we're perfect strangers." I blow her a kiss and she flips me off.

"At least she has the good taste to hate you." Zoro added.

"There's the thief!" Someone cried out. I turned to see three more members of Buggy's crew, these ones much bigger and muscular than the ones that we had picked up earlier. Great.

"She stole our loot!" Our nautical hitchhikers screeched.

"She stole the boss's map!" The brute squad roared.

"This is the rotten girl?" Luffy asked, pointing at Nami.

I nod. "Yep."

"She doesn't look rotten." Luffy noted.

I make a so-so gesture with my hand. "Just try to take her mikan. She'll hit you with a stick."

Zoro began to unsheathed one of his swords effortless cutting through the tallest brute. "Is the mikan a metaphor for something, or are you being straight forward, but weird again?"

"It's kind of hard to tell, isn't it?" I say as I kick one of the pirates into the quay. I mentally apologize to Sanji for stealing his whole kick shtick, but since I'm using it before he even enters the story, does it count as stealing?

I'll do something nice for him once he joins. Like put some chocolate in his bunk every Valentine's Day without a card. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. Not evil at all.

Luffy sends three of the guys into the sky where a large bird tries to eat the smallest of the bunch. My sense of irony is appeased as the bird explodes from cannon fire.

The last two guys are split up between Zoro and me, and I'm happy to learn that not only can I stick the landing on a cartwheel, I can also turn it into a cartwheel of ass-kicking.

"Well, it's nice that I didn't have to pin my actions on you guys to get you to help me out!" Nami said from her perch. "You big, strong guys wouldn't be interested in making a quick buck, wouldn't you?"

Luffy cut to the important questions. "Huh? Who are you anyway?"

"I'm a thief who specializes in stealing from pirates! My name is Nami! Want to be partners?"


	6. Hella Lost

"Not interested." Luffy says, even as he turns to leave.

"We could make a lot of money!" Nami cooed from her place on the rooftop.

"Still not going to do it."

"Why not?"

"I'm just not." He said. "I don't need any more reason than that."

I raise my hand to make a comment. "Plus, I just told him that you were a tricky person anyway. Were you even paying attention or are you pretending that I don't exist?"

"Hang on a second!" She sprang down to the street, and over to Luffy. "I'm willing to make a deal here." I raise my eyebrows. Nami, willing to bargain? With Luffy? I don't remember anything like this happening before. Of course, Luffy had almost immediately agreed to her plan and in doing so pretty much let her tie him up, so without that scenario, I was running blind here.

"What do you want so bad that you would come begging to the kind of pirates you rob?" Zoro mutters.

I gesture at the boat she stole earlier. "Yeah, seriously, you've already got a decent haul right there and a map that is easily worth someone's life. Why take a chance of getting caught by a psychopath?" I'm not even talking to her right now; I'm just MSTing with Zoro while Nami talks to Luffy.

"Hey! It's not like you guys have any money, traveling in that tub." Nami snapped at us, apparently remembering that we exist. "I'm only a couple million beli away from my goal, so whatever is left over from this, you can keep."

Luffy waved her off. "Money is okay, but what we need is a navigator… and a musician." He added thoughtfully.

"Forget the musician already!" Zoro snapped.

"Hey, I'm a navigator! One of the best in the world!" Whoops. Now Nami has him interested, and God damn if Luffy is going to give up on getting her to join.

"That's perfect! Join our pirate crew already!" Luffy's complete 180 wasn't entirely unexpected, considering how quickly Robin became part of the crew, but it's still a little startling to physically witness it in action. But I at least had some idea that this was coming; Zoro's jaw is practically on the ground.

"Zoro, I think that you should close your mouth before you swallow a fly or something. They don't taste all that great." I say as I gesture for him to pick up his dropped jaw.

"No way!" Nami snapped, suddenly drawing back from Luffy. "I wouldn't have offered if I knew you were **pirates.**" She spat out the word as if it were a black jelly bean. "Forget it, deal's off. Forget everything that I said about working with you guys. I wouldn't have said anything if I had known that before."

* * *

"Who do you think is going to flip-flop their opinion next, eh, Zoro?" I ask as I take another bite out of my apple.

Zoro gives the pair a look before taking a shot from his bottle. "My bet's on the ginger witch. Wanna make this wager more… interesting?"

"Neither of us have any money, Zoro." I point out. "Plus my bet's the same as yours, so it's pointless."

"Shit."

"We can always make a drinking game out of it, though." I say, watching Nami try to take off Luffy's head with her staff.

He knocks back the last of his booze. "I already have."

"Might as well pass the time productively." I pick up two fresh bottles, passing the larger of the two to Zoro. "Oh, she's trying to tie him up now. Do you think that she's going to drop him in the harbor, sell him to Buggy, or do something dirty?"

"The second. You're the only person here who'd even think of something like the last one."

"What kind of company have you been keeping, man? I would think that bounty hunters would be better acquainted with the habits of the scum that they hunt down."

"I don't go looking for trouble; it comes looking for me."

I nod seriously as I uncork my booze. "Because you don't have a sense of direction, I understand."

"Pot, meet kettle." Zoro muttered before taking another shot.

I looked back at the street where Nami and Luffy had been arguing. "Hey, where'd they go?"

Zoro winced as he finished the last of his bottle. "Shit."

* * *

"Ookay, where are we?" I mutter as we run through the streets looking for Luffy. "I'm pretty sure that we've been by this dog before…"

"Don't ask me!" Zoro snapped, even though I'm following him. "You were supposed to keep an eye on the captain!"

"That was your job!" I counter.

"You're the first mate!"

"You're the only competent on this crew!"

"No I'm not!"

"You're right! There are no competent people in our crew! That's why we wanted a navigator! To keep our delinquent asses in line and keep us from dying of starvation in the middle of the sea!"

"I actually was trying to compliment you, but fuck if I try again, you wannabe yakuza!"

"What did you call me, you half-assed tan mom parody?!"

"YOU WANNA GO, PUNK?!"  
"NOT AT ALL, YOU LUSH!"

"THEN GET BACK TO FINDING THE CAPTAIN! BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF FOLLOWING YOU AROUND IN CIRCLES!"

"YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME? I THOUGHT I WAS FOLLOWING YOU?!"

"THIS KIND OF SHIT IS WHY WE NEED A MOTHERFUCKING NAVIGATOR!" We both scream into the heavens.

A whole row of houses suddenly ceases to exist. We both stare at the wreckage for a moment with mouths agape before turning to each other in dead silence.

Zoro finally breaks the quiet. "Holy shit. You think Luffy had something to do with that?"

"Probably." I admit. I know for a fact that he does, at least indirectly, and could probably just say so, but honestly, the psychic powers shtick is already played out to death.

"Time to save the day?" Zoro asks, as though **I'm** the captain. Though, being first-mate, I kinda **am** whenever Luffy is indisposed.

We are so screwed.

"Time to save the day." I agree as I brace for the run of my life. At least until next week.

* * *

We're there just in time to save the day with maximum coolness. Zoro has saved Nami from becoming a human pincushion and I'm sitting pretty on top of Luffy's cage with huge bag full of stolen food.

"Zoro! Witt!" Luffy chirps happily from his cage.

I smirk at him, even as I rub a spot on my cheek with my thumb like a dweeb. "You okay, Boss?"

"Not hurt, are you?" Zoro asks, walking over here all cool like he isn't a huge dork when there isn't a sword in his hand.

"Yeah, I'm okay. They were going to blow me up and they didn't feed me when I asked, but I'm still alive. Could you guys get me out of this stupid cage now?" Glad to see that his priorities are still intact.

Buggy's goons are still staring at Zoro as if he were Death incarnate; namely with a look halfway between fear and awe, like they were making up their minds whether or not to wet their pants or cry. I wish I had camera so that all of these beautiful moments that we keep coming across could be properly memorialized forever.

"Is that… that Roronoa Zoro?"

"Is he here for Captain Buggy?"

"Why the hell is he talking with a thief?"

I might as well not exist so far as they're concerned.

Nami was also freaking out at the revelation that Zoro was on our crew. Apparently there are quite a few green haired guys named Zoro bouncing around the East Blue, because otherwise his suddenly being 'that' Zoro wouldn't be a problem halfway through a conversation.

"'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro… So you've come for my head…" Buggy says ominously.

"No, not really. I'm not in that line of work anymore anyway." Zoro said, walking past the pirate without a sideways glance at him.

"But if I kill you, my reputation will soar…" Buggy mused as he thumbed the edge of his blade.

"What reputation?" I deadpan. Amazingly, I'm ignored again. I wonder how long this gag is going to run and if I can weaponize it before I lose it.

"So let us do battle, Roronoa Zoro! And we'll see whose blood is spilled by whom." Buggy crows, most likely knowing that his Devil's Fruit ability makes this an automatic win.

Zoro didn't even bother to draw any of his swords. "Mutoryu." He announced serenely.

The entire audience held in a collective breath for this unheard of technique…

…As Zoro headbutted Buggy into the ground, knocking the clown unconscious in a single blow.

Everyone except Luffy and I facefaulted. I'm grinning because Zoro actually paid attention to my information on Buggy. Luffy is grinning because it's funny as hell watching this asshole clown get completely and utterly owned.

A cry of "Whaaat?" rang out around the roof.

"That's not swordsmanship."

"Booooo!"

"What the fuck is 'Zero Sword' supposed to mean anyway?"

"Cheap shot!"

"Pirate." I dryly reply to the last comment, moving off of the cage and under the cannon, bracing my legs in anticipation of what I'm going to do next. "Zoro, it about time to make a break for it, so if you'd get Luffy…"

Zoro grunts, walking past me and over to Luffy, picking up the huge cage with only a small grunt of effort. "And what are you going to do?"  
"I'm gonna flip this shit; what does it look like?" I push with everything I've got, and now the Buggy Ball special is aimed to blow its maker to kingdom come. I loved this scene in the original story and the opportunity to reenact it myself is a special gift that I am going to **enjoy.**

I hold my hand out to Nami. "Got a light?" I ask with a smirk. When she does, I give Buggy's followers a jaunty salute. "Sayonara, suckers~!"

The earth shattering kaboom is deeply satisfying to my soul, even as we're running in the other direction, Nami lost somewhere in the chaos. I wouldn't be surprised if she was taking the opportunity to rob Buggy blind again.

Luffy grins at the destruction that we just caused. "So does anyone have the key?" He asks after we come to rest on a roof.

"I knew there was something we were forgetting." I mutter.

"We're in a dangerous situation and you've gone and _forgotten_ the one thing that levels the playing field for us." Zoro says flatly, as if he has just run out of fucks to give. I know the feeling.

"Yup." …Mostly because I'm just about out of them, too.

"Ugh." …And Luffy sounds like he's in the same boat as well.

"You know, if I knew how to cut steel, I could get Luffy out of there right now without any problems."

"Yup." He'd probably take Luffy's head off in the attempt, but he'd be out of there. Dead, but out.

"Can't you pick the lock or something?" Luffy asked.

"Nope."

"**Fuck**." Zoro curses.

The feeling is mutual.


	7. Cage Fight

Zoro set down the cage, sighing as he took a seat on the street. "We need a plan."  
Luffy nodded seriously. "The plan is get me out of this cage."

"How?" I ask. "We don't have the key, Zoro can't cut steel, you can't eat the cage and I can't pick locks." I reached out to pet the white dog that was nearby. It snapped at my fingers, so I drew them back before I lost them. "Bad poochy." I scolded.

"What's with the dog?" Luffy asked, suddenly focused on something that wasn't food or his cage.

"Oh, him? We got lost earlier and ran past him like… what, four times? Was that right, Zoro?" I drop to the ground to do some pushups. I've got to keep up with these two monsters somehow, and a little ol' fashioned hard work is probably the best option. Even if I am trying to train in the middle of a battlefield. Isn't shit like this Zoro's hat?

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to the dog." Zoro frowned. "Why are we arguing about a dog now?"

"Because the dog is plot-relevant for some reason?" I supply. It's a dog that bites people and guards this pet shop. What else can I say?

"What does that even mean?" Luffy whined.

"What are you guys doing?" Nami asked.

"Trying to get Luffy out of the cage." Zoro muttered, even as he rubbed the sweat from his forehead. "Not that anything has actually worked. Witt's just being himself."

"I'm glad to hear that you appreciate my running gag of spouting off non-sequiturs."

"Buggy's going to find you guys if you sit in out here in the open like this." She scolded, forgetting that she isn't supposed to be looking out for us. This must be part of our charm; sucking people in to the point where it's like we were always supposed to be there, screaming about weird shit and eating all the food. I imagine that college fraternities are kind of like that too.

"Then it's a good thing that our navigator showed up to navigate our asses to safety!" Zoro said, even as Luffy made another go at eating his way out of the cage.

"I'm not going to join your crew!" Nami yelled, throwing a small key to me that I easily snatched out of the air. "I'm just repaying my debt to you guys. You did save my life back there, pirates or no."

Luffy's face lit up. "Is that the cage key?" He turned his glowing smile towards Nami. "You stole it for us! That's nice! Join my crew."

"Didn't I just say no?!"

I wave off her protests. "Seriously, it's just easier to accept now and avoid us having to invoke a life debt or something else dramatic. Once Luffy's fixed on an idea, he's pretty much unstoppable. Really nice if you need rescuing, but not so great if he wants something stupid." Is there actually anyone one that ever joins the crew, even temporarily, that hasn't owed Luffy for saving their life, liberty or the continued existence of their hometown? I'm suddenly so much more of an oddity.

Zoro just nods in agreement. Even he knew that there was no way out of an invitation to join Luffy and he had only been around us for about a week.

I wonder how long it's gonna take for Buggy's pathetic excuse for a Beast Master to actually get here. I can only assume that the idiot has gotten lost somewhere along the way, because we're only five minutes away from the bar where this whole fiasco started and he's riding a fucking lion.

"That's the most that you're getting out of me. I couldn't get any of Buggy's treasure because I was busy with this, so you better be thankful." Nami said, quietly flipping her hair as she turned away from us.

I toss the key from hand to hand, watching her for some tell. When there isn't one, I settle for letting Luffy out of the cage. Now let's see Nami keep her cool attitude with the amazing rubber man invading her personal space and asking her to join his crew.

"Oi! What are you kids doing?"

I turned to look at the old guy wearing the shitty armor. "Oh, come on. This is a street, not your fucking lawn." I groaned. What was the mayor guy's name again? Bopple? Poodle?

"There are pirates in this town! It isn't safe!" The old man shouted. I mutter 'Pirate' as has become my obligation.

Zoro groaned. "Doesn't shouting in the middle of a pirate infested town qualify as 'not safe'?"  
"Who are you anyway? And why is your hair like a poodle's?" Luffy asked, getting to the important questions.

The old man struck a pose. "I… am the mayor of this village. In other words, I am the chief." The question about his stylist's life choices is left unanswered.

"In other words, the only person nuts enough to hang around a town that's home to a psycho clown." Nami said dryly.

My eyes bug out of my head as I turn to look at the mayor. "Batman?"

"Who?"

* * *

"So what's up with the dog?" Luffy asked as he stretched out.

"Shushu?" The mayor said. "This is his shop. He guards it, so that when his master comes back, everything will be where it needs to be. I'm just here to feed him."

I put my fist down in my palm with a smack. "Ah, so Shushu's a Hachiko."

"A what?" The mayor said blankly.

Zoro waved him off. "Just ignore him. Things like that just kind of spill out of Witt's mouth."

Nami took a look at the storefront. "So, it's a pet food store. But why is he here instead of with his owner?"

The mayor shook his head. "Shushu is protecting the store. I've tried to explain… that his master isn't coming back, and I think he understands the fact, but he just insists on protecting the store from anyone who would rob it."

"That's so sad!" Nami declared. I decide not to share with her the fact that lots of things are sad, and that Shushu's tragic backstory was going to look like kitten farts and fresh mittens by the time Brook joined the crew.

A loud roar shook the street. Nami and the mayor had the decency to look horrified while Zoro, Luffy, me and the dog just kind of sat there. Luffy and Zoro have

The mayor shivered. "The beast tamer Mohji." He said breathlessly before running in the opposite direction. Nami followed quickly on his heels. I'm still not sure why the mayor, if he's so scared of one of the underlings, was/is (?) willing to take on Buggy himself within, what, ten minutes of us winning this fight?

"You wanna take that?" Zoro asked as he took a swig from a bottle that had seemingly appeared from nowhere.

I look at him. "Mmm… Yeah, I probably should. A First-Mate should be able to pull their weight." Now, you might suppose that a normal person would have responded with a resounding 'Fuck no, who the hell do you think I am?' But I've been here for a bit and, having had a fair inkling in advance of what sort of shenanigans occur around pirate-y types, have prepared with much training and much sweat. I wouldn't put myself on a level the same as Luffy or Zoro, but I figured that an idiot that Luffy could put down pretty easily at his starting level would be a fair opponent for me.

Luffy looked in the direction that the roar had come from. "Was that a tiger?"

"Eh, I thought it was a lion. Less manly sounding, you see."

"How do you get that?"

Our guest arrived. "I am the Beast Tamer Mohji, member of the Buggy Pirates…"

I continue on with the zoology lesson. "Well, you see, a full-grown tiger is stronger than a full-grown lion, pound for pound. Add to the fact that tigers are almost always bigger and heavier than lions, well that is a huge factor. But also, you have to consider how they hunt…"

The lion looked personally insulted by my break down of how and why he sucked.

"…Now you see, lions are pack hunters, and the lionesses do most of the grunt work there with the male kinda just sitting pretty there waiting for his dinner. The tiger, on the other hand, is a solo act, which means that every inch of him is rippling muscle merged with death machine." I continue on.

"You guys have committed a serious crime against us…" Mohji tried again.

I'm not having any of it. "Just about all of the times that lions and tigers are put in the same zoo exhibit, the tiger will end up gutting the lion after a messy fight. Sure, lions sometimes can pull a win, but without the pack advantage that the lion is used to, he's fighting with a major handicap. So, tiger beats lion, 9 times out of 10."

Both Mohji and Richie had the decency to look horrified at my conclusion, even as Zoro and Luffy stare at me in silence. I award the beast master ten points of un-hate for being an animal lover. It's not enough to get him out of a beating, but I won't cut his stupid hairdo at any point in the proceedings. Richie himself is awarded all of the points for achieving near-sentience, but the points mean nothing.

The words "Whose line is it anyway?" flit out of my mouth and fill the awkward silence. I have the feeling that I have done the impossible; I have made the awkward even more awkward.

This is the crew that will find the One Piece and change the world.

No wonder the World Government were shitting themselves after the Enies Lobby incident.

"So… what's with the Finn cosplay?" I ask.

"The what?"

I try again. "The hat. The giant animal mount. The silly face. You know, 'what time is it?'"

"Time to… die?" Mohji is trying so hard to be scary, but his whole look is working against him. He has even missed the fact that I misidentified his hair.

My shout-outs and wit are wasted on these people.

Mohji struck a pose again, trying to make his chest look twice as wide as it actually was. "You might have defeated the Tightrope Walking Funan Brothers and the Superhuman Domingos but I'm a cut above them!"

I facefault before springing to my feet. "WHO THE FUCK NAMES YOUR GROUPS?!" I yell at him. "I'VE BEEN CALLING THE FUTANARI TIGHT PANTS WEARING BROS THE 'GOLDFISH POOP GANG' IN MY HEAD FOR TWO WHOLE CHAPTERS AND THAT IS STILL BETTER THAN ALL OF THOSE!"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT CAPTAIN BUGGY'S NAMING SKILLS!" Mohji roared. "I WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO FIND ZORO, BUT YOUR HEAD WILL JOIN HIS ON MY BELT!"

I cut him off with a boot to the head. "URUSAI!" I twist around and roundhouse him into the wall of a nearby house. The lion is horrified, not only by the fact that his master is now part of the masonry, but by the fact that I'm twisting around to bring that same kick back into his face. I have never been so happy to drop the hammer.

"And… boom goes the dynamite." I say as the lion slams into the same house that his boss did a few seconds before. I do not cry for them. They were supposed to be stronger than this. Either that or I'm way stronger than I thought I was.

Luffy looks at the concussed lion, before pointing to the cage. "So, do you think that we can fit him in the cage?"

Zoro and me break out in twin psychotic grins.

"Only one way to find out."

* * *

"He's too big!"

"Kick harder, then!"

"Oh, oh! There he goes!" We chorus as the door shuts on Richie. Zoro breaks out a congratulatory beer. Where he keeps his cooler, I have no idea. I presume marimo magic powers are involved.

Nami is back with the mayor, both of them giving us weird looks. "What are you doing?"

"Cleaning up loose ends." Zoro says as he ties Mohji to his pet's cage.

I smile and wave. "Yeah." I toss Shushu the key. "Guard this, won't you?"

The dog huffs before eating it.

Between the horrified looks of everyone around me who cares (Nami and the mayor again), I grin.

"Good boy."


End file.
